Sunday, August 15, 2010

To Belong

So, I get this sinking feeling in my chest when I see people kissing in movies. I know that sounds weird, but I do get this pain. It's not because I'm really yearning for love or anything like that (though it would be nice). What I think it is is that those people must feel like they belong. Well, maybe not the actors but certainly the people they are suppose to be playing feel a sense of belonging. I've never really felt like I belong. Maybe I should explain.

You see, when I was little I was different. I could tell I wasn't really like my family (neither is my brother so I guess we belong together because we don't belong) but they're my family so i loved them. But I was and still am different from my family. No offense meant for either of my parents and their new spouses because it's not that I didn't feel loved. Quite the contrary. I'm a pretty clingy, needy person (at least I admit it right?) so my parents both gave me lots of love to make sure that I had the emotional stability that I needed. They didn't raise a girl who is afraid to go out on her own though. I'm very independent.

I know I'm not making any sense at the moment, but bear with me.

While I don't feel like I belong here, at my house, I do feel like I belong here, in my town. When I was 5 and headed off to school one day I started to cry. Now, I cry a lot, but my brother asked me what was wrong. I said that I didn't want to leave home. He laughed at said that wouldn't be for a long time and that I would probably feel a lot different when I was older. Of course he was the all powerful 8-year-old so I believed his wisdom. It's 13 years later and what do I feel?


I'm asked all the time if I'm scared or nervous about going so far away from school. I also say no, but I'll let you in on a little secret; I am. I really am. I mean who wouldn't be? It's the same thing I go through every time I went to a new school. Will I make friends? Will they think I'm weird? I'm weird...I hope they don't think I'm too weird. It's really all the same thing.

I still don't want to leave home. Let's make this clear, I want to leave my house. What teenager doesn't? But my home means here. I have my life here and everything. I hope this makes sense to you. I don't fell like I belong here, but at the same time I don't think I can leave.

Well, obviously I'm going to leave...but well, I don't want to have to try so hard to belong again. I've just started to feel like I sort of, kind of, belong here. I don't know if I want to do that again...*heavy, exasperated sigh*

My feet are a little chilly, but I hear that's normal before taking a big step in a new adventure in your life.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Erin! My name is Natalie and I'm a former puppy raiser (in Canada) and used to blog. I don't anymore, but still follow puppy raiser blogs. I thought I'd delurk on this post to say I know how you feel. Three years ago, I left the city I grew up in and moved halfway across the country (not as scary as a whole new country though :P) for university. I put on a brave face as well, but started bawling the moment my parents left me alone in my dorm room and realized that for the first time in my life, I was all alone. It was scary, but I ended up making friends that first night and they are still my best friends now three years later. It is so scary at first, but it all works itself out. Everything will be okay, so as hard as it may seem, relax, throw yourself into university life and it'll be the best time you've ever had :)