So, I get this sinking feeling in my chest when I see people kissing in movies. I know that sounds weird, but I do get this pain. It's not because I'm really yearning for love or anything like that (though it would be nice). What I think it is is that those people must feel like they belong. Well, maybe not the actors but certainly the people they are suppose to be playing feel a sense of belonging. I've never really felt like I belong. Maybe I should explain.
You see, when I was little I was different. I could tell I wasn't really like my family (neither is my brother so I guess we belong together because we don't belong) but they're my family so i loved them. But I was and still am different from my family. No offense meant for either of my parents and their new spouses because it's not that I didn't feel loved. Quite the contrary. I'm a pretty clingy, needy person (at least I admit it right?) so my parents both gave me lots of love to make sure that I had the emotional stability that I needed. They didn't raise a girl who is afraid to go out on her own though. I'm very independent.
I know I'm not making any sense at the moment, but bear with me.
While I don't feel like I belong here, at my house, I do feel like I belong here, in my town. When I was 5 and headed off to school one day I started to cry. Now, I cry a lot, but my brother asked me what was wrong. I said that I didn't want to leave home. He laughed at said that wouldn't be for a long time and that I would probably feel a lot different when I was older. Of course he was the all powerful 8-year-old so I believed his wisdom. It's 13 years later and what do I feel?
I'M RIDICULOUSLY SCARED!!!
I'm asked all the time if I'm scared or nervous about going so far away from school. I also say no, but I'll let you in on a little secret; I am. I really am. I mean who wouldn't be? It's the same thing I go through every time I went to a new school. Will I make friends? Will they think I'm weird? I'm weird...I hope they don't think I'm too weird. It's really all the same thing.
I still don't want to leave home. Let's make this clear, I want to leave my house. What teenager doesn't? But my home means here. I have my life here and everything. I hope this makes sense to you. I don't fell like I belong here, but at the same time I don't think I can leave.
Well, obviously I'm going to leave...but well, I don't want to have to try so hard to belong again. I've just started to feel like I sort of, kind of, belong here. I don't know if I want to do that again...*heavy, exasperated sigh*
My feet are a little chilly, but I hear that's normal before taking a big step in a new adventure in your life.