The most recent one (linked here) was short and at first I wasn't applying it to my own life, but after sitting down and thinking about it for a while I really started to see how it applied to my life at this particular moment. She said that she had heard someone explain their experience with loss as, "a million dollar experience that I wouldn't pay five cents for." My first thought was,
Yeah. Losing something or someone sucks, but it's not something you can just push to the back and forget about. You have to deal with it before you can get over it. It takes up a lot of your time and energy so, it makes sense to call it a million dollar experience. And I probably wouldn't pay a penny to go through the experience of loss again, so that too is an apt way of looking at it.
It was that last part that made me stop. Again....
This past week I have been irritable, sad, and easily annoyed and I honestly couldn't tell you why. Everything made me upset and I felt like I just couldn't deal. I was worried that I was relapsing back into depression which of course made me more upset and anxious and irritable. But, I don't think I am. I'm really tired, yes, but I account that to the fact that it gets sunny at five in the morning and remains that way until eleven at night. I think, instead of relapsing back into depression and anxiety I just haven't dealt with my feelings of loss yet (which could have subsequently turned into a relapse).
I have a pretty good life most of the time. I really can't complain much. I have enough money for food and shelter and the occasional toy, I'm living in Scotland which I know makes a lot of people back home jealous, and I have my health...well I have that most of the time. At the moment I am dealing with a hurt foot and strained elbow. But I think it's fair to say that I've had my fair share of loss these past few months that I just haven't been dealing with.
First off was the loss of Indie. Indie was suppose to be the puppy I was going to raise for GDB UK. He was suppose to come into my home and life a month ago today. But, a few days after Indie was assigned to me I got news that my skin surgery has been moved up to just a few days after he was suppose to arrive and I knew dealing with an eight week old puppy, stitches, and pain wouldn't mix so I told my supervisor that I would have to wait until after my exams in June. As it turns out, my surgery didn't need stitches and while I was a little woozy for a day, there was no pain unless I leaned directly on my back where the scab was. I don't think I've fully dealt with this yet purely because I had been told I would have stitches and this caused me to turn Indie down. I think it's fair to say that I was angry, but finally admitting to myself that I was angry will hopefully help me get over it.
Second is the loss of puppy raising in general. Amy, Lisa, Marlene, and myself got the four bedroom house we were looking at. And, while I totally happy that we did, moving in there means that I have to give up puppy raising. Even though there was already a dog living in the house the landlord said he didn't want any pets of any kind and we wanted the house too much and couldn't find anywhere else so I really couldn't back out. Instead of focusing on the fact that I won't be welcoming a new puppy into my house in June I'm going to look on the positive side. I get to live with my friends next year, cheaper rent, a closer distance to Uni, and the landlord is allowing me to keep boarding which means that there may be a possibility later in the future for a puppy.
Finally, there is the loss of home. This is the big one. The other two have been slight annoyances, but this one, I think, is what is hitting me hard. I've been feeling it more this year than last year. I've been busy over the weekends so speaking to either set of my parents has been scattered. And I'm not as close to my friends from high school as I was nor am I nearly as close to the people in my puppy group. One of my really good friends won't be able to come home this summer break because he has a job now so I'm hoping I'll get to go and see him, but I know that my time in the states this summer is so short that it may not be possible. There have been so many changes in the puppy group and I feel so out of touch and...stranger-like. I know that sounds weird, but about half of the members don't really know me. All of this makes for a sad Erin. But, now that I know that's what's going on I can at least work on finding ways to hold on to a little piece of home.
I guess, really, the last thing I've lost is my dignity because I've been acting like a complete baby, bitch, cray-cray, etc, this past week. I wish I could turn back time and now what I do now. Then maybe I wouldn't have been such a chore. But I can't. The only thing I can do it make it better now.
And that's what brought me to my concluding thoughts on that phrase,
I'd pay the million dollars for the experience of loss. I'd do it in a heartbeat. Because, while it hurts for a long time, you are ultimately a better person when you come out of it. After it's all over you can step back and look at how you acted and handled it which can make you stronger and better at dealing the next time loss comes your way. Loss is imperative to life. You can't have one without the other. So yes, loss suck. But I don't think I would want to go through life without it.